march 2021

well it took me long enough i suppose. 18 years ago i was possessed by an urge to climb mountains, hills whatever. i don’t need to conquer the tallest peaks, but at least those that are around me i wanted to see the top.

there was a hill behind a church that a couple of my friends found back in San Diego. You weren’t really allowed up there but no one was there to stop you. just like right now. 18 years later.

i recall a full moon one night i love driving cars that will let you turn their headlights off at night. i love driving over the light on the full moon with nothing else - pretty dangerous in retrospect but also pretty liberating. one of those things that teenage boys love to do pretending that they are men.

i reached the park that held this property behind the church. it was a small church, nothing special, a little playground for the kids running small daycare. gods i would kill for some daycare.

i parked my car in their parking lot, headlights off. and i started to cross the creek where my friends and i would gather and reflect and it reminded me of the woods in my backyard growing up in Georgia when i was 6 years old. i lived there from 4 to 9. you could just walk and start walking. no one was there to stop you - no boundaries, no fences.

i never quite reached the top of that hill that night. there was nothing there to stop me except myself. after some way up i grew scared. i believe i was afraid someone would come find me and tell me i wasn’t supposed to be there. i don’t think i was ever afraid of such a thing but when i was 13 we were illegally setting off fireworks and the cops came twice. once they gave us the benefit of the doubt. we lied and the next time they were pissed. i’m not sure what would have happened to us down there in the deep south if my mom hadn’t come through it just the right time and put on a show for the police.

in any case i stopped myself that night. i stopped and turned around and said someday i’ll come back for you. and i did come back and each time i did i felt like it wasn’t worth it any more. not sure why.

but here i am 18 years later on top of a hill near a cabin i rented. i don’t feel anxiety on my way up. it was much steeper actually, much harder to climb that dinky ass hill. i face the same doubts on my way up. are there mountain lions here? is there a tree that will fall on me? should i just stop and turn back now? but i pushed through that and i made it to the top of the hill. and i’m glad i did it.

there’s nothing really up here except for the view. it is at once remarkable and mundane. remarkable that no one else is up here, remarkable at the expanse that you can view. mundane in that every other spot on this ridge would give you the exact same view.